On a sunny may afternoon, with the windows open and the finches singing and the branches of the old oak tree slowly swaying in the breeze outside, my spouse and I sat beside each other on our living room couch, with Tabs, our beloved cat of 12 years, between us. I cradled him in my arms with his head draped over my right shoulder (always the right, never the left), while El Hub held his paws.

For most of the creatures in the world, that afternoon was business as usual, but for us, time slowed as we said our final goodbyes and thank yous to our furry friend.

विज्ञापन

As it sometimes does, the cancer won.

I’ve experienced the loss of pets before, but never like this. Tabs was my constant companion and sounding board throughout the entire decade of my thirties, and with him by my side, I crossed major adult milestones — marriage, moving into our first home, exciting career changes, family emergencies, serious illnesses, pregnancy, child birth. He saw me at my best and my worst, and through it all, he was there with head boops, whisker kisses and brute force lap snuggles (did I mention he was 18 pounds?). His love was fierce yet sweet, and he will always be my big kitty love.

But this post isn’t about Tabs (well, not entirely). It’s about grief and how it changes us.

विज्ञापन

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A thread that binds us all

I think that most people understand that grief is very personal, and that no two people grieve in the exact same way. There is one thing, though, that binds us all together, and of all the lessons I’ve learned from my cat’s passing, this reminder was the most sobering: everyone we love will eventually die.

It’s a harsh reality. even though I understood this truth deep down inside, I think I wrapped myself in a cozy blanket of denial.

This was partly because I’ve been lucky to have lived almost 44 years on this earth without having to survive the loss of a close loved one. losing Tabs was my first real grown-up experience with death, and man — it was a vortex of raw, visceral emotion.

The bittersweet juxtaposition

There are many moments of happy sadness — both at the same time. After we’d gotten the news of his terminal diagnosis and Tabs came home from the vet, we were given a time frame of three to six weeks.

That’s how much time we thought we’d have with him, but it only [turned out to be] two… They were peppered with so many joyous moments, but each one was tinged with the pain of knowing he’d be gone soon.

During our last few days with him, I tried to brace myself for what was to come. I watched Ted talks on grief, listened to podcasts on dying, read articles and talked to friends, hoping to prepare myself for the inevitable, but…

You’ll never be the same again

Nothing prepared me for the fissure I felt when his breath slowed down and his heart finally stopped. The moment I could no longer feel the fluttery beat inside his chest, my heart cracked.

In that split second, I knew: I would never be the same person again. I would carry a small scar on my heart for the rest of my life.

Yet, swirling in a sea of sadness, I also felt joy, hope and relief. happy that he was no longer in the pain I didn’t think he was in at the time, but now think he may have been. full of hope that I’d see him again.

Before he left, I whispered into his ear that he didn’t have to be scared or worried because he wouldn’t be alone, and we would see him again.

Seeing everything through a different filter

I think I have. This will seem silly to some people, but since Tabs passed, I swear, he’s sent me signs. I feel his soul with me when the leaves in the oak trees that dot his favorite hill suddenly stand still on a windy day, or when a single beam of sunlight dances on a hot pink patch of flowers, or when I look outside my office window in the morning and see the sunrise filtering through the moss on the tree trunks, or in the purplish pink hues on the horizon at sunset.

I see the world differently now and notice more of the small things I would’ve missed before. all of us are surrounded by small, stunning moments all day long, and all we have to do is look for them…

A basic lesson of life, but I didn’t really grasp it before. They were just nice words, but now I understand what it means to appreciate the little things, and I have my cat to thank for that.

I miss the mundane things the most

None of it has stopped me from missing him like crazy, though, and the funny thing is… The things I miss the most about him are things that drove me nuts while he was here. I miss him walking across the top of my pillow at night (ah, paws in my hair!). I miss him running into the kitchen to beg for food whenever he heard a can open. I miss seeing him dive onto a fresh pile of clean laundry…

For whatever it’s worth, I think love resides in the tiny spaces. many movies and books tieठूला जीवनका घटनाहरू र महान् इशाराहरूलाई प्रेम गर्नुहोस्, तर तिनीहरूले यसलाई गलत IMO पाएका छन्। प्रेम दैनिक अनुष्ठानहरू हो। उनीहरूको कदर गर्नुहोस्।

अन्तिम कलर ट्याबहरू लगाइएको यो साधारण खैरो थियो।
साहस

चोटपटकको अपमान थप्न, शोकले तपाईंलाई स्टिकमा कुल बकवास जस्तो महसुस गर्दछ, र त्यसपछि यो तपाईं साहसी हुनुहोस् जुन तपाईं साहसी हुनुहुन्छ। यसले शिष्टताका साथ तपाईलाई सोध्ने छैन। यो सीधा यसको मांग हुनेछ।

मैले यो उही दिन दिउँसोलाई बुझें, एक जनाले हाम्रो ट्याबहरूलाई बिडा दिए। दाँजातीय ब्याम्परले कम्बलमा आफ्नो सानो, निर्जीव शरीरलाई लुकाए पछि र उसलाई हाम्रो घरबाट बाहिर लगे जुन हाम्रो जीवनसाथीबाट र मैले छोरीलाई प्रिस्कूलबाट उठाउनु परेको थियो। हामी गाडीमा पुग्यौं र दुवै स्तनौं र अझै पनि आघातमा छौं, र हामी स्कूलको सवारी साधन परिवर्तित अवस्थामा पुग्दा हामी बच्चाहरूलाई हाँस्न र खेल्न सक्छौं।

त्यो सुखमयले हामीलाई यो कुरा याद आयो कि संसार अझै पल्टिरहेको थियो। जीवन अझै भइरहेको थियो। हो, हामी हार्दिक थियौं, तर कसैले पनि खाना खानुपरेको थियो, बच्चाहरूलाई ओछ्यानको लागि तयार पारेर कारणले बिल तिर्नुपर्थ्यो।

यो एक साहस को एक साहसी छ।

र तसर्थ, हरेक बिहान म उठ्छु, म मेरो ओछ्यान बनाउँनेछु, मेरो अनुहार बनाउँनेछु, कफीको भ्याट पिउनुहोस्, कि मखमा बस्नुहोस् ‘ यद्यपि सूर्य उदाउने र सेट गर्न बाँकी छ, र चराहरू गाउँदैछन्, सबै जबकि कसैले आफ्नो मुटुको प्वाल बनाउँछ, जीवन अगाडि मार्क हुन्छ।

विज्ञापन

अन्तमा, मेरो आश्चर्यजनक किट्टी बच्चालाई, फेरि धन्यबाद। मायालु र दिनेको लागि धन्यबाद। म तिमीलाई सम्झिन्छु, तपाईंको कान टफ्जनहरू, तपाईंको तल्लो झुण्ड पेट, र तपाईंलाई बिहान सबेरै तपाईंलाई सबैभन्दा अश्लील समयमा खुवाउनको लागि तपाईंलाई हेरचाह गर्ने क्षमता हो। म तपाईंको ठूलो र मायालु हृदय सम्झन्छु। मलाई जीवन र प्रेमका यी पाठहरू सिकाउनुभएकोमा धन्यवाद। तपाईं सधैंको कदर गर्नुहुन्छ।

तपाईंको मैत्रीपूर्ण छिमेकी सौन्दर्य लत,

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